cw:
graphic imagery, murder, spoilers for I
Am The New God
When
I was younger, I had dreams about murder. They were both rare and unpleasant. They left me with a distinct
feeling that lingered through the whole day and ruined my mood. It
was a palpable, layered thing that demanded acknowledgment.
Of course, that was the last thing I wanted to do so I let it fade
and it always did. I certainly didn't engage with such fantasies
during the day.
Nicole
Cushing's I
Am The New God captured
that feeling perfectly. The novella took my eyes from my skull and
made them watch the vilest parts of humanity. I can't say I enjoyed
the experience, but it certainly caused a response. That
feeling.
Since
it managed to capture it so well, I think I should do my best to
describe it to you, so you understand what it was like reading this
book. That
feeling was
scared: I was scared of myself, the unexplored landscape of the
person I apparently was, a person who killed people. That
feeling was
liberated: few things are as taboo as the taking of life, and if
society's collective weight couldn't stop me from doing that,
what could it
stop me from doing? That
feeling was
alone: I had forsaken society by breaking that rule, and so it had
done the same to me.
This
is not how I imagine Greg Bryce, the novella's protagonist, felt
exactly. I don't think he was ever scared of himself, and
he lacked all remorse. Also,
I think his loneliness was apparent before he murdered anyone, and
his liberation was more directed towards his approaching godhood
rather than disconnection from society. Of course, even if these
elements presented themselves differently to how I would feel (thank
god),
they were still all there. It was lose enough to provoke a very
uncomfortable familiarity.
The
book has no filter when it comes to exploring this characters
feelings and reactions, as off-putting as they are. I don’t think
it would have worked if it held back. I understand myself
better having read it, and although I’m still processing what I
read, I don’t regret it.
I wonder: how similar are the feelings of murder to godhood?
